I’m a struggling workaholic.
I work so damn hard. Whether it is on my craft or to support my craft. But on my off days, in my downtime, I feel guilty for not working. I get into almost a state of paralysis; so much of my life has been devoted to finding a job and then doing that job. Whether that job is an actual job or things I feel I need to do. So much of my productivity has been defined by that.
I'm always itching to get back to whatever it is I'm "supposed" to be doing, which in my head is working. How else will I be able to provide? I gotta get to it. Deprogramming this from my mind has been tough for real. Hustle culture got a grip on the kid.
No matter what job it is, I was taught work is my responsibility, to myself, my community, and the communities/environments that I work in; whether involving others or not. But my work is also a vice I use to measure my worth; and when there is no work or little work to be done, like a junkie with no fix, I get filled with dread.
I never felt the same responsibility to rest that I do to work, even though the magic, the growth is in the rest.
I gotta relax as I write this; it's a Saturday. Ima enjoy a hobby or sum. I need to redefine what true productivity looks like, because with the current trajectory, I'll be burned out before mile 1 of this marathon I call my career.
-kay
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